


Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night

by SpacedOut



Category: In the Flesh (TV), Kieren and Simon, Simren, Siren - Fandom
Genre: Emotions Run Wild, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, Kieren thinks about death, M/M, Simon comforts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-22
Updated: 2014-06-22
Packaged: 2018-02-05 17:30:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1826386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpacedOut/pseuds/SpacedOut
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Because it should have been me,” Kieren replied, tears flowing freely now, “It should have been me being buried today. I don’t deserve to be here...”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Trigger warning: Thoughts of suicide.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night

**Author's Note:**

> So this was much shorter than what I had promised. The other fics I'm working on are much longer so look out for those within the next few days. This is my first (non prompt) fic in this fandom so I'm still working on characterization and what not.

It was a cloudy day when Amy Dyer was buried...again.

Kieren wished the sun would have peaked out from behind the perpetual dark clouds that constantly glazed over the small village of Roarton for just one day. 

Amy deserved a sunny burial. 

“The sun remains hidden behind the clouds because it knows it will be out-shined by our dear Amy,” Simon replied when Kieren had voiced his concern on the walk toward the cemetery. 

“Besides,” Simon added quietly, “funerals are for the living, not the dead. It’s one of the very few comforts we gain from the death of of a loved one.”

Right before the priest ended the ceremony, Kieren lowered his sketch of Amy into the casket. 

The old priest closed his bible after asking if anyone wanted to give a eulogy for the doubly deceased Amy Dyer. No one volunteered.

Kieren thought about saying a few words but decided that it was no use. There was no point, really. 

Most of the people standing around him were only there to spite the rotters, *ahem* Partially Deceased Sufferers. The town “crazies” (which at this point, all of them are the town crazies now) want nothing more then to refill the cemetery that now lays empty.

Not only that, but Kieren wasn’t there to witness his own eulogy. As soon as he slumped against the cave wall all those years ago, it was nothing but blackness. Amy wouldn’t hear him.

Simon was right, funerals really are just for the living’s sake.

Kieren looked down at Amy’s predetermined epitaph below her name and the date of her first death. The black, marble gravestone read:

_“Do not go gentle into that good night._   
_Rage, rage against the dying of the light.”_

Kieren blinked a tear from his eye. Simon grabbed his shoulder and lightly squeezed it.

It’s amazing what the PDS can do. They can cry and experience the most dreadful emotions, but they can’t eat food or drink alcohol without puking black tar. They can’t feel what it’s like to have a beating heart. They can’t feel the sun’s warmth on their pale skin. It’s like someone decided to take away all the joys of being a human, leaving them with this mutation that forces them to walk the Earth for eternity and stand by and watch all of what they have missed out on after dying. 

But Kieren didn’t ask for the “second chance” given to him. Unlike the others, this blessing was his curse. 

It reminded him of those stories he used to hear on the news. 

**Man Jumps Off Bridge And Lives.**

**Mother Cuts Rope Of Noose Before It Kills Son.**

**Celebrity Rushed To The Hospital After Overdosing On Heroine. Will Recover Soon.**

Kieren shook his head. That’s exactly what he was. 

He is just another suicide surviver that has to face his family and community after making them suffer for so long. 

Kieren will never forget the look on Jem’s face after she said, “You didn’t even leave a note, Kier.” 

No, he didn’t leave a note. Not because he didn’t want to, but because he didn’t think he needed to. He hadn’t realized how effected everyone around him would be after his death.

Even Rick, someone he thought he would never have to explain himself to about dying, looked heartbroken to hear about his death. 

He will never forgive himself for what he did to his loved ones. It was a regret he will always _live_ with. At the same time, Kieren can’t bring himself to regret what he did in the cave years ago. 

He just can’t-

Kieren’s thoughts were interrupted by Simon’s arms wrapping around his shoulders and clutching him with intense pressure. 

Kieren blinked again and realized he had been crying a lot more than he had originally thought. He felt the wetness of his cheeks and jaw rub against the older man’s thick coat while he rested his head there.

Some of the attendees were staring at him, surprised that a PDS sufferer could even feel remorse or sadness. Those bastards.

“Hey, It’s okay Kieren. It’s okay. Shhhh...” Simon tried to coax the younger man while he glared at a group of elderly women rolling their eyes.

Simon held Kieren until nearly everyone was gone from the cemetery with the exception of Phillip, who at that point had sat down on the newly settled dirt below Amy’s grave.

“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be so... emotional.” Kieren said quietly, trying to come up with the right thing to say as he freed himself from Simon’s tight hold on him.

“You remember what I said earlier? Funerals are for the living. There’s a reason for that Kieren. For this. It’s okay to be sad and it’s okay to miss Amy. She was a-”

“A morgeous person, I know” Kieren interrupted, trying his best to smile. It came out a bit lopsided, but it was enough for Simon to grin back and nod approvingly.

“Come on, let’s go,” Simon said as before gesturing toward Philip, “We should give him some space.”

Kieren nodded before allowing Simon to hold his hand as they turned to leave.

*****

Later that evening, Kieren sat at the dinner table with his parents and Jem. He lifted his empty fork to his lips as he listened to his father talk about something that had happened at work the week before. 

Jem looked up from her plate and stared at Kieren, “You don’t have to do that anymore. We know you can’t eat.”

Her voice lacked the anger that it usually held but Kieren couldn’t help but still feel guilty for not even being able to eat a damn piece of broccoli.

“Jem, sweety, he knows that but your father prefers he does that to...”

“To what? Look more normal? He’s not normal, mom. He’s a...”

“Jem, I don’t want to hear it. He still needs to act like he’s eating. End of discussion. Besides, this is...well, was his favorite meal,” Kieren’s father sighed as he set his napkin next to his plate.

“But he’s not even eating it! It’s weird to watch, okay?”

“Jem, honey, I know but he’s-”

Kieren slammed both of his fists on the table, causing one of the bowls to fall off and shatter onto the hardwood floor. 

“I AM RIGHT HERE AND I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT ANYMORE,” Kieren shouted, emphasizing each “I” with more and more frustration, “I’M SICK OF YOU ACTING LIKE I’M STILL DEAD.”

Kieren paused before gaining the courage to finish his angry rant, “IF YOU WANT ME TO OFF MYSELF AGAIN THEN YOU COULD HAVE JUST FUCKING ASKED!”

He watched as his father’s face paled like a PDS victim while his mom looked down at her food, eyes swollen with fatigue.

“Kier, I didn’t mea...” Jem started to say before Kieren jumped out of his chair and ran out the front door. 

Kieren ran all the way to the Bungalow. It was the only place left for him to go. He felt like a ghost in his own town. Not even the outside was safe for him to roam anymore.

By the time he made it to the front door, he was completely out of breath. 

For the second time this month, Simon answered the door to find a panting Kieren wide-eyed and upset. 

“What happened?”

Instead of answering, Kieren marched straight into the kitchen with Simon following behind.

Simon reached out for the younger man’s shoulder. Kieren flinched away.

“Kieren, please tell me what’s wrong,” Simon said quietly. 

Fear and anger filled the younger man’s eyes.

Kieren turned around and grabbed the sharpest knife he could find in the silverware drawer. 

This time when he turned back around, tears filled his dead eyes. 

“Do it. Kill me,” Kieren said, handing the knife to Simon. 

He held the blade between his fingers. The familiar sting of a blade made his skin itch.

Simon watched the younger man standing in front of him, completely stunned.

“Why?”

“Because it should have been me,” Kieren replied, tears flowing freely now, “It should have been me being buried today. I don’t deserve to be here...”

Kieren dropped the knife and fell to his knees, legs giving out on him.

Simon immediately dropped to his knees and wrapped his arms around the younger man. 

Even without a beating heart, Simon could feel his chest sink to the floor. Not only was he disturbed to hear that coming from someone who he had grown to love, but also because he knows exactly how the younger man feels.

The scars on Kieren’s wrists, unhealed even after being reborn, matched the injection scars on his own. 

Simon continued to hold Kieren in his arms as the younger man trembled and sobbed into his shoulder. He thought about what he would have wanted to hear back in his other life when he had tried just about every drug in existence in order to escape the realities of life.

Simon remembered craving an important existence. He remembered starving for companionship. 

What did Kieren want? 

Simon didn’t know.

He finally decided that giving someone what they wanted to hear was complete bullshit. Nothing would be solved by feeding his dear Kieren lies about how life is worth living when it truly isn’t, at least not for everybody. 

But damn all if he wasn’t going to try making Kieren feel wanted and needed and loved and important. 

“It sucks, doesn’t it?” Simon whispered, a tinge of sadness growing in his belly, “this feeling that you and I share.”

Kieren straightened up, holding onto Simons shoulders, staring. 

“I’m not going to tell you how you should feel. You have many reasons to feel the way you do. However, I will tell you that over these past few months, you have become the most important thing in my life. There is nothing that I want more than for you to be here with me forever.”

“Kieren, you shouldn’t blame yourself for these,” Simon continued, grabbing one of Kieren’s wrists and brushing it softly, “and shouldn’t blame yourself for whatever happened while untreated. I know it still bothers you. I can see it in your eyes...”

“I still have nightmares,” Kieren whispered, “I killed my sister’s best friend. I tore out her insides while she was still alive.”

“During the rising, I pushed my mother down the stairs and, according to my dad, ate her near the bannister.” It was the first time Simon had talked about it with anyone. “Sometimes at night, right before I fall asleep, I can hear her screaming.” Simon could feel the tears forming in his eyes. He blinked away.

“I’m so sorry,” Kieren said, studying the older one’s face. 

“The point is, Kieren, we don’t have to be. It’s as if we are witnesses to a crime of our own deed, only it wasn’t us who committed the act. We have to live with the guilt of a murder that we ourselves haven’t committed.”

“It sucks,” Kieren said, repeating what Simon had said earlier. 

“It does, but that doesn’t mean we can’t change things. What happened today, it shouldn’t have been you or Amy in that coffin. You are worth so much more than you think. I just wish you could see that.”

For the first time since he arrived at the Bungalow that evening, Kieren smiled.

“You sound like a fortune cookie.”

Simon stared at the young man, smirking, eyes filling with adoration.

He scoffed, “Yeah, well, maybe I’ll take you out for Chinese food sometime.”

“No thanks,” Kieren said, “It’s hard enough pretending to eat with a fork. A chopstick would be even worse.” 

Simon grinned and pulled Kieren and himself up from the floor. He pulled the younger man close to his chest. They stood there for a while in silence.

“I don’t want to go home tonight,” Kieren said after a few minutes. He thought about his outburst at the dinner table earlier that evening and decided that he wasn’t ready to face his family yet.

“Then stay,” Simon replied, letting go of Kieren, “I’m not sure if you feel comfortable enough to stay in Amy’s room, but there’s the couch or-”

“I want to be with you. In your bed. If that’s okay...” Kieren said, glad that he couldn’t blush anymore.

“Yes, of course.” Simon could hear the desperation and fear in Kieren’s voice and wanted nothing more than to assure him that sharing a bed was completely okay.

They left the kitchen, leaving the knife on the floor. 

Kieren followed Simon into his bedroom and after a few minutes they were tangled in the bedsheets, holding each other and promising not to let go. 

Neither of them did.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you guys enjoyed!  
> Comments/Kudos are always appreciated!
> 
> Prompts are always welcomed on my tumblr (simonsgrandpasweaters)


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